Have you been thinking, “Why do I feel so empty and purposeless in my life?” Or, “How can I begin to reduce the pain and suffering that has disrupted my life? Where can I go? What can I do?” These are questions that we all face at some point in life, and they have answers.
The effectiveness of the responses depends on your willingness to free yourself from your deep emotional turmoil and attachment to the deceased. This does not imply in any way that you forget your loved one, because you have to establish a new relationship with him/her. By concentrating intensely on the tasks of the grievance, not the outcome, you naturally establish the necessary relationship.
It’s doing the hard work of grieving and committing to the unpredictable path to adjustment, which ultimately leads to an outcome you can live with. At first, you don’t know what those results will look like. As he adjusts to his great loss, the outcome begins to take shape and then becomes acceptable. This is how the art of the possible fits in and leads the adaptation process.
1. Begin with the following restorative orientation. In all the new experiences you face—the new skills, routines, responsibilities, roles, necessary assertiveness, expectations, and changes imposed by your great loss—be open and look for as many ways as possible to win from the challenge. Eliminate the narrow one-dimensional focus, one or the other.
The art of the possible always includes your choice to get everything out of each new experience, examining all points of view and ways to use the new. Always say to yourself, “What are all the possibilities here?” As part of your committed opening, use the following methods.
2. Model the behavior of those who have been in situations like yours and have been successful. Do what works. Decide what you can add or change to what you learn from the behavior of those who have coped well with their loss and adjusted to their new world. Modeling the behavior of others is used in many areas of human endeavor with great success. Be willing to try what you learn and refine it to your style and taste. Never forget: behavior changes attitude. Persist in your trial period.
3. Be realistic. Assess what you know and think you can do and what you’re sure you can’t do. Face the most important challenges of your new life first. And refusing to be responsible for everything and everyone. Let go of that old belief you learned as a child. The art of the possible involves constant and sustained effort, not a quick fix; There are no quick fixes to adapt to loss and change.
4. Be proactive. Look into the future. Cultivate a social support network (a friendship). All of the widows or widowers I have spoken with have one thing in common: they all agree on the great importance of interpersonal relationships as an essential ingredient in adjusting to their loss. Look around you at the many possibilities you have to strengthen existing friendships or start new ones. Attain. Say hello first. Or, you may have to go to great lengths to develop your social support network. But go for it.
5. Do something. Don’t just stand there. Acting when you would rather not is a key factor in using or testing possibilities. Turning new routines and behaviors into habits takes time and determination. Make doing the unpleasant your new motto until the new behaviors become manageable and eventually become habits. Doing is the real secret of happiness.
6. Change the oil. Treat yourself daily. Go places and participate in activities that you have always enjoyed. Start an old hobby that you had as a child. Shop window. Find a friend and walk around the local mall two or three times a week. Read inspirational poetry or stories from others who have coped well with their losses. Think about the possibilities you have to develop your various skill levels in order to help those who are not as well off as you are.
7. Insurance. No secrets. Find a confidant. This will open up many opportunities to express feelings and options. We all need someone to tell us how we really feel at any given moment. This can be a week after the funeral or ten weeks after. Find someone who will be there with you indefinitely. And you may have to cultivate this kind of relationship and make it clear how important this person is to you.
In short, using the art of the possible to cope with your great loss means using your creativity. Everyone has creative ability because creativity has to do with using the gift of imagination. Let your imagination come up with new ideas in each new situation you find yourself in. Try various approaches to use the new. Throw out what doesn’t seem to work and build on what you keep. Moving forward is always your choice as you adjust to the absence of your loved one.
