It is very confusing when the man you love repeatedly denies the affair you suspect, and yet asks to “move on” or asks “sorry.” This can leave you wondering what, exactly, needs to be forgiven or left behind.
Someone might say, “I’m almost 100 percent sure my husband has been cheating on me. Three different sets of friends have seen him with the same woman. When the first friend came forward, my husband completely denied it and said my However, when the other two people showed up on two separate occasions, my husband admitted to dating someone, but insisted that she was a co-worker and that they were discussing business with nothing inappropriate happening. So innocent why didn’t he mention it to me, his reply was that he didn’t know he needed to make an announcement to see a co-worker, he also said he didn’t think that he needed permission like a child, his tone sounded like I was the one wrong. After having this conversation, we had a few weeks where things were very cold between us. Frankly, I just don’t buy her explanation. Honestly, I think she’s having an affair. a. Even if ‘the sightings’ with the other woman had never happened, he has been acting strange and distant outside of it. So he expected my marriage to start falling apart. But about three weeks after confronting my husband, he told me that he wanted to move on and that he wanted to be forgiven. I sarcastically asked him why he wanted to be forgiven, if there was nothing inappropriate and he felt that he did not need to ask my permission. He then admitted that things would be easier if he had told me about the co-worker, so he would like to be forgiven for that. A part of me would like to do exactly what my husband asked me to do and move on. I want things to go back to the way they were. But another part of me thinks he’s getting away with it and if I ignore this, I’m ignoring all common sense. In the same way, if he is innocent, then I don’t want to ruin my marriage. Should he be forgiven if he refuses to admit to the affair?”
Okay, let’s take things one thing at a time. He has admitted to having dinner with the other woman at least twice. He most likely did it three times, but he didn’t exactly tell the truth the first time she came up. You can and should tackle dinners with the other person. Even if you assume it was all innocent, I should have told you about it. No doubt he would want you to tell him if the roles were reversed. It is up to you whether or not he believes that he has done enough to earn forgiveness for an omission or a lie (depending on how you look at it).
As for the adventure, I don’t think you can forgive something that he hasn’t recognized yet. However, adventures have a way of being discovered. So I think if an affair took place, the odds are in your favor of finding out eventually. The question, then, is what do you want to do in the meantime? Only you can decide if you want to participate in your marriage as before or if you want to explore the falsehoods and omissions a little more.
My suggestion would be this: He has admitted to behavior that is not entirely honorable and this has hurt you and probably changed your marriage a bit. This set of circumstances would make counseling wise. Ask him if he is willing to go to therapy to strengthen your marriage. I suspect any good counselor would ask follow-up questions, which is why the matter would eventually come to light (assuming it happened).
If there wasn’t an affair, well, any marriage can benefit from counseling. You’ll feel relieved, your marriage will be stronger, and you’ll be reassured that your husband cared enough to go to therapy for the good of your marriage, even if technically there wasn’t an affair to admit. Either way, his acceptance of counseling is a good sign, because it indicates that he wants to save or strengthen his marriage regardless, or that he has nothing to hide. If you’re both against counseling, ask her to participate in some self-help resources. You want to at least see that he is willing to work on this with you in some way.
