I am not writing on behalf of a search engine. I do not work in any capacity for a search engine. But the other day apparently I had more laptop than brain and I found a site about strangely stupid questions that computer users have consulted online. Computer users wanted answers to these questions. Actually. I have no idea if some of these users were using or mentally ill or sarcastic, but the truth is that there had to be something wrong with them to even think about such questions, no matter if they were looking for their answers.
So I’ve decided to pose as a “Dear Abby” Kind of a columnist except I’ve chosen the name “Dear Brilliant.” Hey, I was never known for my modesty. In the interest of witness protection (and probably my own) I have also invented appropriate names for the authors of said questions. I will write answers to these real questions that have been consulted online. Enjoy.
Dear Brilliant,
Could Jesus operate a barbecue? signed, hungry
Dear hungry,
Let’s see now. Jesus died, came back to life, walked around town for 40 days, then rose body and soul to heaven and do you want to know if he could operate a barbecue? Maybe if he read the manual first.
Why does my poop float? signed, stinky
Dear stinky,
If that’s a problem for you, tie small weights to it.
Why is there a dead Punjabi on my sofa? Signed, Undertaker
Dear Undertaker,
You keep taking work home with you.
Why do farts smell? signed, antisocial
Dear antisocial,
They come out of your butt.
Why do Punjabis like Regan? Signed, Culturally Ignorant
Dear culturally ignorant,
‘The Exorcist’ was a good movie.
Can men wear white after labor day? Signed, Fashion Freakshow
Dear Freakshow,
If their stomachs aren’t too stretched out postpartum and they still look good in skinny white jeans, why not?
What happens if someone objects at a wedding? signed, anxious
Dear Anxious,
They can’t go to the reception.
Will my health insurance cover me abroad? signed ladies
Dear ladies,
It depends on what you are using to cover the wide. PS I tried saying ma’am. He is more polite.
Having a creditor freeze my bank account without notifying me. Signed, In the asylum
Dear asylum,
That’s a weird curse to put on yourself, but if that’s your thing, so be it.
Where is the heart of a woman? Signed, Heart Transplant Surgeon due to Surgery in 10 Minutes
Dear Heart,
The same place as a man’s.
Where is a woman’s place? Signed, completely unaware
Dear ignoramus,
In the parking lot.
Where is the waist of a woman? Signed, someone should have objected at my wedding
Dear wedding,
If you can’t see him looking at her, stop ordering KFC for dinner.
Can I really grow taller? Signed, The Roloff family
Dear family,
If you want your grades to plummet.
Who played Sissy in the movie Urban Cowboy? Signed, bad taste in movies
Dear bad,
John Travolta.
What should I do when I grow up? Signed, Seniors
Dear Senior Citizen,
Hurry up and start buying coffins.
Can babies sleep with pacifiers? signed, new mom
Dear new mom,
Only if they’ve been out a couple of times.
What does it mean to be Dutch? signed, stingy
Dear Cheapskate,
You fall in love with a Scandinavian.
How would you invest a million dollars? signed, suddenly rich
Dear rich man,
I wouldn’t. I’d spend every damn penny before my husband found out.
Can I really get rid of stretch marks? Signed, Bikini Days are Over
Dear Bikini,
Wash your underwear. Oh sorry I thought you said tire marks.
Who played Marcia in the 1995 movie A Very Brady Sequel? Signed, don’t go out much
Dear no,
Marcia Brady. Duh.
Can a dog take Benadryl? Signed, vet with a dead dog to explain
Dear Veterinarian,
If you can unscrew the lid.
What does it mean when your poop is green? Signed, food poisoning
Dear food,
You have about 15 minutes to get to the emergency room.
What does it mean to be a Republican? Signed, politically incorrect
Dear politician,
Lonely.
Why are my teeth sensitive? Signed, no dental plan
Dear dentist,
You keep insulting them.
Why does my baby spit up so much? Signed, new mom
Dear first,
You can’t cook.
Why is my daughter pulling her hair? Signed, Puzzled
Dear puzzled,
You scold her a lot.
Why does my daughter keep having worms? Signed, Displeased
Dear Disgruntled,
Maybe he likes to fish.
Why does my husband look at other women? signed, paranoid
Dear paranoid,
So you don’t accidentally stumble upon them.
I like to glue my thumbs to my hands to see what it would be like to be a dinosaur. Signed, Brain Surgeon
Dear Brain Surgeon,
Has the death rate of your brain surgery patients increased at all?
What does it mean if your cat is plotting to kill you? signed, senile
Dear senile,
You are a giant mouse.
Why won’t my snake eat? Signed, boy without friends
Dear boy,
You will not stay still.
What are these strawberries doing on my nipples? I need them for the fruit salad. signed, fruitcake
Dear Fruitcake,
It’s not the strawberries. You did put them in the salad. Those are your nipples.
Can I get it back? Signed, Obsessed
Dear obsessed,
If you plan your attack well and he doesn’t see you coming.
Dear readers,
Thanks for write. Now take up a hobby, take some prozac and get off the computer. please.
Signed, Glossy
