My girlfriend is going to skin me alive after reading this article, but she found out three years ago that my thoughts go against the grain on social issues. The question I’ve been pondering for the past few months was started by a friend who asked me over key lime pie (my favorite!) “Can one person give you everything?” She was trapped in a relationship in which she was emotionally fulfilled but sexually lacking.
Now, here was my answer, and this is not as a counselor, educator, or student, because I would take a totally safe and neutral stance by saying “well, there is a continuum at every level of life… so…” But as only me, I don’t think so. I have always felt that it is a lot of pressure to ask a person to be compatible on all levels of a relationship. Imagine the work and the expectations! That being said, I personally struggle with commitment and have a hard time with the concept of being with one person “forever.” Also, I don’t mean to offend die-hard romantics, like my girl, who believe in a lasting partnership. I am simply exploring the question “what can we really ask of each other in an intimate relationship?”
When I was 21, I asked my adoptive mother if she had ever loved more than one person at a time, especially during the decade of their marriage. She said that “attraction is a chemical experience that we can’t control, but what we do with it is something else.” It was the first time anyone told me that in life people will always be attracted to others, but that it was a choice on how we decided to act on it.
My mother, on the other hand, told me that humans are not made for a lifelong relationship, although she emphasized that to every rule there are many exceptions. With the world getting smaller and information flowing at a much faster pace, I find that people are becoming more diverse and interesting. It’s hard not to be attracted to others or to multiple people at once.
My girlfriend calls this a disease, which makes me laugh. She describes people who are attracted to more than one person (aka me) as sex-obsessed, girl-crush lesbians. And for some of us that is true, but I do believe that there is a genuine LESBIAN LOVE TRIANGLE that happens on occasion that is innocent, accidental, and based on lust. After all, unless you live in a large metropolitan city, the lesbian community tends to be small, and the law of proximity says that the more time you spend with other people, the more likely you are to be attracted to them.
The question is whether or not this is cheating or faulty behavior. The answer is in your intentions. If you’re looking for someone just to stir the pot of passion, or because you’re one of those bed-jumping lesbians (not judging at all because I am one!), or you always want what you can’t have…well , then there could be more to your lesbian love triangle than just being attracted to another woman.
People have told me in the past that when they’ve been attracted to more than one person, it often feels like a crush. And the truth is, when brain chemicals start to move during the initial attraction phase, it’s like you’re high. We feel that we could not live without that person and that to be happy we need them. We start to feel that our sex life is better and we feel more secure. The passion and intoxication that we feel we have lost with a partner is igniting but with another woman. But when has someone you know made a good choice when he’s intoxicated, even when he’s lust-induced?
If your relationship is open and you’ve both agreed to be able to date, love, or sleep with multiple people, then it’s not a problem (and make sure you both practice safe sex and get tested regularly). But that’s a rare situation, and often not equal. Someone often ends up feeling left out or used/
So should you if you are in a Lesbian Love Triangle? You probably need to take a step back and see what is happening in your life right now, and also remember:
1. Love has no motives. Are you looking for something, like lust, sex or passion? If you get or benefit from someone while hurting another, there is no respect or loyalty to anyone you are involved with.
2. Love has no rewards, but the gift of commitment. You cannot ask another completely if you are giving half of yourself to another person.
3. Love does not demand or expect: If you are in the “I WANT” state of mind and pressure your partner to be something they are not, then you cannot love your partner as the ideal self.
4. Remember that fantasy rarely matches reality. If you have problems with your partner, your stuff will continue with you in other relationships, and the lesbian on the other end isn’t always greener!
At the end of the day, if you are so torn by your feelings for your partner or another woman, take some time for yourself, maybe not being with anyone will help you figure out what it is you are chasing. Seek the guidance of a therapist to help you gain insight into the relationship issues that are troubling you. If there’s a real connection, then it won’t fade just because you’re trying to make good, healthy choices – trust yourself to know what’s best for you.
“…The plan will happen despite us, not thanks to us.” beatie melody
Alex Karydi ~ The lesbian guru