“Let’s just be friends” … the words still ring strangely in your ears. As if dealing with a breakup isn’t hard enough, some guys want to stay in touch with you even after the relationship ends. Some couples call, email, and even hang out long after they’re done. It seems natural: you get along with your ex in a friendship type role, but in a relationship role you just argue and fight. So why not be friends with your ex? It’s certainly possible, right? They are both two mature adults and they both know what they want, so why not do it?
Well, there are several reasons. The first and foremost is that you are probably still in love with him. Maintaining a friendship with someone after the breakup usually indicates that the relationship is not completely over. While you will try to rationalize the friendship and convince yourself that it is strictly platonic, you will always be waiting, even a little, for something more. What if you were the one who left it? He will be the one praying for reconciliation. The simple fact is that no break is totally clean. Someone always gets hurt. And whoever that person was? He or she will eventually put a strain on the “friendship.”
On the surface, friendship seems like an easy and pleasant route. You don’t have to miss your ex boyfriend – you can still see him … call him … email and text him. Best of all, you don’t have the fights and fights that you used to have while dating. There is no obligation to do anything together, and when you hang out there are no complications from the two of you sleeping together. Being friends with your ex-boyfriend is all puppy dogs and ice cream … or at least, that’s what it looks like on paper.
In reality, however, problems will arise. Hanging out will be fun at first, but one or both of you will eventually want to have sex again. Late one night, lazing around after renting a movie, I mean, hey, why not? You two have done it many times, you can certainly handle a few more. But sleeping with your ex leads to an unwanted emotional attachment. No matter how much fun it is, you will feel used when he doesn’t call you for a few days, which is what friends do sometimes.
Dating is another big problem. Even if you have a healthy, sex-free friendship with your ex boyfriend … what happens when he gets a new girlfriend? Will you see it that much? Will he introduce you as an ex-girlfriend he’s still dating or will he hide that little fact? And how will you feel once I start spending more time with her and much less with you? Jealous? Of course you will. Because watching your ex move on with his life while you stay home alone sucks.
The opposite scenario is equally complicated. Let’s say you meet a new guy, you start seeing him, and then the two of you are suddenly dating. Do you keep dating and contacting your ex-boyfriend “friend”? If so, do you tell your new man? They will most likely not be very understanding when you are still talking, emailing, and getting along with someone you slept with. Guys tend to want their girlfriends all to themselves, they don’t have to share them with other guys who already know them on some pretty intimate levels.
Now, if you’re looking to get back together with your boyfriend, being friends may seem like a great idea. It allows you to be close to your ex while you figure out how to get their heart back. You can monitor what she’s up to, know who she’s with, and ultimately fix things to the point where you’re dating again. Right?
Not so fast.
Being friends with your ex when you still love him or her is even more painful than going through the pain of separation. Your ex knows that you still like him, which is why you are going to love him while you look for other options. Your ex-boyfriend is free to see, date, and sleep with other girls on this stage … and you have to cheerfully clap your hands and wish him luck because you’re his “friend” and you only want the best for him. Screw that.
The way to get your boyfriend back doesn’t go through friendship. There are ways to get your ex back that involve breaking free from your past relationship and creating a new environment that your ex wants you to return to. Establishing a friendship with your ex actually makes this process difficult. As long as they remain friends, they can never be with him again. And how long do you keep the facade of that pseudo-relationship? The more you immerse yourself in the friend zone.
Never substitute being friends with an ex boyfriend for the long relationship you really want. Fight for your ex through the right channels to make him miss you, think of you, and love you again. It’s the only way to repair your breakup and start dating your ex. Friendship with your ex-boyfriend is always a dead end.
