There are three key steps involved in constructive conflict resolution: (1) depersonalize the problem; (2) calm the situation; and (3) lead the conversation.
Step 1. Depersonalize the problem
To depersonalize the problem, we must recognize that the people involved may have very different communication and trust strategies and needs.
We really need to assess the personality of the other person involved.
First, it is possible that our “conflict” is simply a misunderstanding, caused by taking someone else’s behavior personally.
Second, if there is an actual conflict, it is helpful to anticipate the conflict management strategy that this person is likely to use.
Third, as we move to direct the conversation, we will be more effective if we express our communication in terms that are of greater interest to the other person.
Step 2. Calm the situation
To calm the situation, we must be able to keep ourselves and the other person calm and rational. It is very difficult to have a constructive, problem-solving conversation when neither party can be objective about the issue at hand.
First, we need to recognize when we and / or the other person are functioning on an irrational level. In those moments, the words will not be effective. It is important to take a break, get away from the situation, and wait until we can both participate on a more rational level.
Second, it is important to accept the fact that we, and only we, control our emotional response to any situation. If we are uncomfortable with our behavior in a conflict situation, we need to identify and possibly replace the personal beliefs that caused us to “choose” that behavior.
Third, our awareness of our own defensive reactions should help us to be more sensitive to the impact of our words and behaviors on others. Hopefully, we will express our message in a way that is less likely to cause a defensive reaction in the other person.
Step 3. Lead the conversation
To lead the conversation, it is helpful to approach the matter as a mutual problem to be solved, rather than a win / lose situation.
The first two steps of our constructive conflict resolution strategy enable us to achieve the first key principle of collaboration or win / win negotiation: separate people from the problem.
In this third step, we can start a conversation that focuses on the two remaining principles of collaboration: focus on interests, not positions, Y invent options for mutual benefit.
We are much more likely to resolve a conflict constructively if we depersonalize the problem, defuse the situation, and steer the conversation in a problem-solving direction using win / win negotiation techniques.
