The Supreme Court of Canada recently ruled that the emotional devastation wrought by a cheating spouse can factor into an aggrieved spouse’s ability to earn a living and their need for ongoing spousal support.
When a couple gets married, they make a deal about how they will live. The marriage vows they say create promises. As long as you keep your individual part of the commitment, your relationship will continue to function. When one spouse believes the other will support them financially while they take on the responsibility of creating their home and perhaps raising their children, the homemaker gives up her ability to build her own career and build financial security for themselves. Entering into this association, the belief is that she will sustain them throughout their lives. Even if the stay-at-home mom chooses to return to the workforce, she will never be able to rebuild what was left behind in relationships and experience as the workforce changes and required skill sets evolve. They are at a disadvantage.
When the person who believes he is a life partner has an intimate emotional and/or physical relationship with someone who pretended to be a friend, the double betrayal can be paralyzing. Doubt clouds logical thinking. How could I have trusted them? Anger and sadness replace confidence and trust. It can also be financially very frightening. Security is shattered and doubts arise about one’s ability to survive.
When a marriage ends, some people get by, create new ways of living, form new relationships, and are able to become financially self-sufficient. Others don’t have the support, guidance, life skills, and strength to re-create their lives.
Personal growth is a challenging process that many resist. Holding on to the familiar feels better than risking something new. Letting go of old expectations can be difficult.
Dreaming new dreams and setting new goals is terrifying when the foundation of life seemed so secure.
It is important:
1. find hope that life will go on,
2. discover a new sense of self,
3. learn new ways to communicate,
4. let go of old expectations,
5. work until forgiveness,
6. understand what happened, and
7. accept personal responsibility for being part of the breakdown.
In my opinion, there is no such thing as a no-fault divorce. Both parties somehow fail to keep their marriage healthy. Both sides fail their children. There may be personal growth but there will always be memories. If the new life is better, the past can be left behind as a learning experience. If the new life is disadvantageous, with a lower standard of living or a struggle to survive financially, it triggers old pain and a reopening of thoughts and feelings that life was once very different, it can keep resentment alive.
Too often, a partner finds himself at a significant financial disadvantage because of the deal he made. It takes two to create a marriage, but one person may break the deal rather than work to repair the relationship. When they choose to cheat on their votes, their financial promises must be kept.
Long live the Supreme Court of Canada seeing some sense of accountability and responsibility for the husband who went astray. Hopefully the wife can move forward in the healing process.
