Many husbands who are caught having an affair show some anger. Many actually take their anger out on their wives. They are embarrassed and humiliated at being caught, so they will act outraged and lash out. However, some husbands will go to the other extreme: they will be angry, that’s okay. But to themselves. At first glance, you would think that their anger towards themselves would be a good thing. And it can be, at least initially. But many husbands take this too far. Their anger at themselves can paralyze them and make them unreceptive to doing anything that might help them out of the mess.
Here’s an example of how a wife might explain it: “When I found out my husband was cheating on me, he literally started banging his head against the wall. I had to stop him to keep from hurting himself. Then he started hitting himself on top of the wall. hands on his head. I stopped him that day, but every day since then, he’s nervous. He tells me he hates himself. He says he’s a deplorable person. He told my mother he’d be better off if I divorced him because I deserve better than him and then she started sobbing. Oddly enough, I want to save my marriage. But my husband turns everything I say on its head. No matter what the topic of conversation is, he will bring it back to the way it is. that he’s a ‘not a good sob’ and then I’m left not knowing what to say. At the same time though, I’m still angry. And I don’t want to be in a position where I’m trying to convince him. Because I almost feel like the roles should be reversed. Last night, I was sitting in the dark and crying. I asked him what was wrong and his answer was ‘I hate myself’. He is always angry. He yells at kids and has never done this before. He scoffs at me but then backs off. But his anger at himself seeps into the rest of our lives and I’m not sure how to handle it. it’s.”
You’ve already tackled one of the biggest challenges with this. You are angry with him and you want him to repent and deeply feel his mistake. But when he takes a stand with this self-hatred, he puts you in a position where you’re almost building him up when he doesn’t necessarily deserve it, at least right now.
Potential depression is never something you should ignore: Some of the behaviors you are seeing could be symptoms of depression. And a man who is depressed or has low self-esteem is more likely to cheat, he could be in a lot of pain and not a joy to live with. So depression may well have been a risk factor all along. So no matter how mad you are at him, it would help everyone if he worked on himself and tried to boost his self-esteem. And as much as he’d like to help out, it really is self-employment. Frankly, a therapist or some very specific self-help is probably the most effective and necessary. Mental health and depression are things that require very specific attention. Most of us are not objective or qualified enough to help our spouse. And the added benefit of having a third party help you with his anger and his self-esteem is that you don’t have to walk the tightrope of being the one who has to empower him and at the same time the one who is angry.
He getting stronger only benefits you and your marriage: If you want to save your marriage, his work on his self-esteem will only benefit you. Honestly, your marriage will be stronger when you deal with two mentally healthy people who don’t go through life feeling imperfect and like they don’t deserve happiness.
Hopefully, self-employment can make your husband understand that the best way to make himself less hateful is to become the man you want to be, and to become the husband you deserve. That’s the only way to do this right. If you don’t try to do that, then you remain the flawed individual who is filled with self-loathing and remains angry.
None of you can change the matter. But what can change is what happens in the future. It’s going to be quite a challenge if you continue to be angry and full of anger towards yourself. And, depression is nothing to play with. Prevention is better than cure in this regard. I cannot stress enough how important it is to get you help, regardless of what happens with your marriage. Because they are both suffering as a result of what he is going through. And both of you will benefit if he gets help and starts to see things a little differently. Once he does, he’ll probably be more effective with rehab, which is an added bonus.
