I often hear of wives who are very anxious to win back their husbands during a trial or marriage separation. Often times, they really are doing the best they can. They are trying to stay strong and trust the process. But they usually miss their husbands terribly and are terrified of the possibility of a future divorce.
I heard a wife say, “My husband and I have been apart for about five weeks. He doesn’t have much contact with me. He sees the kids regularly, but seems to want to avoid me. Once after the kids played their sports games, we went out It seemed like we all had a good time and laughed a lot. I thought that might lead him to want to see me more, but he hasn’t. I’ve called him a couple of times trying to take the initiative, but he almost shut me down. No I know what to do. He used to be so attracted to me and now it seems like he wants nothing to do with me. And yet I can ‘Don’t forget that night at the restaurant. I know he was flirting with me. I caught him looking at me. I don’t know how can he turn it off and on like that. How can I draw him to me while we’re apart and when I don’t see him very often? “
He could almost feel the despair of this wife and not just because it was so descriptive. I know what she was feeling because I have been there too. I was the same wife who was trying to attract her estranged husband and get his attention. But the unfortunate truth is that the more he tried, the less interested he was. The more I tried to draw him to me, the more rejected I felt. And it wasn’t until I literally almost raised my hands and stepped back that he suddenly became interested (and dare I say attracted) in me again. But it was a long process that I made more difficult by refusing to see what was right in front of me. I will explain more below.
See if you can make accidental runs that aren’t too obvious: Before you put your hands up like I did (which actually ended up working), see if you can craft a casual gathering that hopefully goes well and leads to more. For example, in this scenario the wife knew with everything that she and her husband snapped and flirted when they went out to eat as a family. But this had not been replicated. So I felt it was worth a try to see if I could recreate this in some way. She had been waiting for her husband to come to her and he hadn’t. And she had taken the initiative but was rejected. So it was worth a try to see if it could fabricate a chance encounter. Perhaps she could accidentally run into him somewhere she knew he was headed. Or you could invite him to one of your children’s events in the hopes that another outing to a restaurant would follow.
But no matter how you do it, make it look easy and unplanned. Don’t sound nervous or show that this is all you’ve been thinking about for days. Believe me when I tell you that it is vitally important that you appear to be busy and coping. A depressed and desperate person who puts a lot of pressure on her husband will not be considered as attractive as someone who does her best to stay busy, true to herself, and as positive as possible. Look as relaxed as possible. Laughter. Make the conversation lightly. Show him the playful woman he used to love. Make sure you look your best, but don’t look like you’re trying too hard or dressed well especially for an occasion that shouldn’t be planned and casual. If it’s clear that you planned it all the time, the results may not be what you expected.
If all else fails, try going back to pique your curiosity: In my own situation, it became clear that my husband was not particularly interested or attracted to me while I was pursuing him. Finally, I felt so bad about the situation that I was about to give up. Friends and family from high school urged me to return to my hometown for support. I finally relented and went back to visit. But I didn’t tell my husband I was going because I didn’t think he would care.
Frankly, coming home was exactly what he needed. I came back refreshed, not so frantic, and more accepting of whatever happens with my husband. I decided to see what was going to happen and try not to push so hard. I didn’t have high hopes for this new strategy, but it ultimately worked out quite well. My husband had wondered where he was going. He wondered why he was suddenly so quiet. You may have wondered if there was someone else. Unbelievably, he started to get closer to me. I’d been reading a lot about not trying too hard and the laws of attraction. So even though I was dying to fall into his arms and beg him to come back, I held back and tried to let him take the initiative for a bit. This helped tremendously and I have no doubt that this made me seem much more attractive to him. When suddenly I didn’t try as hard and I was no longer measuring my day by her response to me, suddenly everything I did worked out so much better.
Some of my friends told me I was playing and maybe I was. But I was not openly lying to my husband or acting malicious. I was thinking about basic human nature and the simple law of supply and demand. Sometimes the most effective way to attract your husband more when you are separated is to not try so hard and to let it come naturally to you.
