For many people, the idea of ”workplace violence” connotes the physical harm one can cause to another. However, there is another form of workplace violence that is just as dangerous and insidious: workplace gossip.
Gossip is any language that is likely to cause harm, pain, or confusion to another person that is used outside of the presence of another person for whom it is intended.
As a facilitator, trainer, and business coach, I have experienced numerous situations in the workplace where gossip was the norm. Interestingly, in these same organizations, most people would say they were “against.” Furthermore, in these same situations, after formal meetings to discuss the “gossip issue”, after awareness workshops aimed at reducing and eliminating harmful gossip, after ordering “no more gossip…” and after committing to have more honest, open and direct communication (in which people verbalize their “commitment” to speak directly with a colleague, to eliminate the “gossip problem”), many of these same committed people consciously choose to remain engaged in the practice of gossip.
Why?
Gossip is essentially a form of attack, often stemming from an individual’s conscious and unconscious fears. For some people, their apparent commitment to “no gossip” is easily lost in their fears, anxieties, or worries about what their lives would be like if they stopped gossiping. (e.g., “Who would I be then?” What would I do then?” “What would one of the boys be like…?” “Would I have to have lunch alone?” “Would I lose all my friends?” ) Some broader definitions of gossip not only relate to “negative” comments, but even extend to “positive” or “neutral” comments that focus on engaging in conversations centered around the activities/behaviors of others, again, outside of the presence of that person
Stopping the practice of “talking about others” is a challenge for many. Why? Many people just can’t be authentic in life. So many turn to the self-defense mechanism of gossip, which is a defense mechanism or self-protection device they use to never have to ‘show up’, or be vulnerable, or reveal information about their feelings or emotions, or ‘open up’. For these people, gossip is a strategy to protect against revealing one’s real or true self. These people have walked around for so long wearing masks and assuming false identities, that opening up and revealing who they really are is just downright scary and threatening.
Therefore, the inner desire to be authentic and sincere, and not gossip, must arise from a person’s deep sense of integrity and a conscious and sincere desire to be harmless in the context of their life and in their interactions with others. . .
Without this deep internal commitment to harmlessness, a mandate to “stop gossiping,” for example, is simply an “externally” induced rule or policy that can often lead to ego-based behaviors in reaction to the “rule.” . So one keeps finding “excuses” (since there is never a “reason”) to gossip.
From this outside perspective towards gossip, some people may take on the role of rule enforcement; others may not want to “enforce” the rule because they don’t want to be perceived as too assertive, too pushy, too pushy, or too harsh when they accuse others of their gossip. Also, others may not want to be identified as “do-gooders,” “crusaders,” or “spirituals,” etc.
In addition, there are those people who want or need to be liked and accepted, and others who want or need to be comfortable with them, so they often continue to engage in gossip when approached. Why? They don’t want to feel like “the strangers.”
So at the end of the day (and all day long!), the commitment not to gossip often dissipates pretty quickly over time.
Or, someone may be “upholding the rule” outwardly, but still gossiping in their thoughts, still sending out hostile vibes, and just “cool” about it. Often this covert behavior is even more dangerous and insidious.
Gossip is fear-based behavior, and therefore the need for self-protection (ie, not authentically “showing up”) is often greater than the initial commitment to “not gossip.” Self-protection brings with it a kind of pseudo-security and a false sense of well-being that might otherwise be in jeopardy; so one continues to gossip to keep the focus on “someone else, not me.”
For other people, the problem is not so much that they consciously protect themselves; the critical thing is when they DON’T KNOW they are being self-protective and therefore many people cannot take responsibility for their behavior. As a result, many people start looking outside themselves (blaming, finding fault, complaining, whining…) when they don’t take responsibility for themselves, as they don’t have the awareness to go inside to explore “what’s going on” . “So, they gossip and seek to find some “reason”, out there, to gossip.
Unless we truly explore our inner behavior (mental models, self-images, ego
constructs, superego judgments, concomitant beliefs, feelings and emotions),
it cannot be free from both the impulse and the habit of gossiping.
We can stop gossiping in the workplace only when an inner desire arises for a deep sense of integrity and authenticity, and a conscious desire to be harmless in the context of our lives and in our interactions with others.
Gossip is a form of workplace violence. To free ourselves from inflicting this violence on others, we need to explore and heal the divide between our outer selves and our inner selves. Only then can we live an honest, sincere and responsible life in the workplace and outside it.
How to train yourself about gossip:
Why do I participate in gossip or support others who do?
What gives me gossip?
Is there another way to get this same result without harmonizing another one?
Does the gossip align with my personal values and those of my organization about respecting and honoring people?
Would you repeat this gossip directly to the person it is about?
Would I like to be quoted on television, in the newspapers or in the company newsletter?
Would I encourage my children to engage in gossiping behavior?
Would I get involved in it if it was a family member or personal friend?
Am I expressing my authenticity, sincerity, and integrity when I gossip?
Does gossip coincide with my commitments to myself and to others?
Do I feel ethical when I’m gossiping?
(c) 2006, Peter G. Vajda, Ph. D. All rights in all media reserved.