Introduction
Many gay men in short- and long-term relationships report concern when the romance and passion in their partners decline or “dry up,” leading them to question themselves and fear for the future of their relationships. One unfortunate consequence of this is that many men break up with their partners prematurely at this point, have affairs, or turn to some form of addiction to cope with the misconception that something is wrong with their relationships. This article is the first of a two-part series and will describe how this phenomenon is a normal occurrence in the development of a healthy relationship and how you can assess your own relationship “red flags” that could reinforce a passionless relationship with your partner. boyfriend or partner
What is passion drought?
“There is no passion or emotion in our relationship anymore. It used to be very hot, but now it is distant and empty. I feel like we are growing apart.” “I’m so bored in this relationship. We do the same things all the time and it’s gotten so mundane and stale.” These are just a couple of examples of a passion drought, that time in your relationship when the chemistry and intrigue between you and your partner wanes and more effort is required to maintain the “heat” that initially drew you to each other. But as you’ll see, this is a normal and expected part of all intimate relationships; It’s not necessarily a warning sign that something is wrong, as it’s more about the fact that you’re experiencing a “growth spurt” in a maturing relationship.
In their book “The Male Partner: How Relationships Develop” (1984), DP McWhirter and AM Mattison pioneered a model of gay partner development that conceptualized six stages through which gay couples might progress as their partners mature. relationships mature and grow. The first two stages are relevant to explain the decline in passion that occurs, a phenomenon they cite called limerence.
Stage 1 is called “Blending”, also known as the honeymoon phase. This is the time period when they first meet and begin a dating relationship. Romance and that “high” of euphoria and euphoria are at their peak during this phase, which usually lasts for about a year. You and your partner think about each other constantly, can’t wait to see each other and spend time together, and have a lot of energy for shared activities and sex.
Then comes Stage 2, called “Nesting,” and this usually occurs during the pair’s second and third years. This is marked by a strengthened commitment to each other, but is also characterized by the struggle for power. Here, the intensity of passion and attraction is replaced by conflict and a heightened awareness of your differences, as individual and relationship issues arise. These themes are no longer distracted or disguised by the force of the initial chemistry. However, what may seem like relationship dysfunction is growing in the way each partner develops a sense of self as an individual and as a member of a couple. Resolving this commitment phase brings the rewards of deeper growth and intimacy. It’s a normal and necessary developmental stage of being in a relationship, although it will take more attention and effort to cultivate and maintain that passion that seemed so natural at first.
blocks to passion
While this is a natural state of all relationships, there are some additional factors that could be at play due to a lack of passion in a relationship. What follows are just a few possible symptoms underlying passionless relationships. These can be subtle and hidden, or overt in the sense that they can amplify conflicts in the power struggle phase.
changed or misplaced priorities; relationship comes second to some other influence
lack of time available to attend to the relationship; lack of quality time to spend together
believe the stereotype that long-term homosexual relationships do not last
internalized homophobia, low self-esteem and low confidence
unresolved childhood issues that spill over into the relationship
infidelity and/or developing attractions or feelings for someone other than your partner
hidden resentments, hurts and misunderstandings that are not expressed
communication failures and bad conflict negotiation practices
verbal, emotional, physical or sexual abuse of any kind
·difficulties with trust and closeness; fears of intimacy, including fears of rejection, abandonment, engulfment, and vulnerability
codependency; attending only to your partner’s needs at the expense of your own; lack of a separate sense of self or identity
lack of personal vision for your life and lack of goals; Confusion about who you are, what you stand for, and what you want out of life.
weak assertiveness and interpersonal skills; feeling that your needs are not valid
routine and repetition of daily life with minimal changes or novelties introduced into the relationship; causes feelings of stagnation and boredom
life stressors, adjustments, transitions, crisis or loss
emotional problems, substance abuse or other addictions, or sexual dysfunction
being in the wrong relationship; genuine incompatibility
failure to fully grieve and “let go” of a previous relationship
Add your own to this list and assess where you stand on these issues. The first important step in bringing more passion into your relationship is to lay the groundwork first, and by addressing the issues above, you’ll be well on your way to preparing for more intimacy. Any of the above items can sabotage your efforts if left unattended. It might help to ask yourself these questions and assess where you and your relationship stand:
What is missing from my relationship? In what way am I dissatisfied?
How am I contributing to my own unhappiness?
Have I discussed my concerns with my partner?
· Do I like my partner? Have I taken the time and energy to really get to know him?
· Am I projecting onto my partner what I want them to be instead of what they really are? (Remember, you cannot change your partner! You can only be responsible for your own behavior)
What would my ideal relationship with my partner look like if I woke up tomorrow morning and seemed “perfect”?
Conclusion
In Part 2 of this article, intimacy building strategies and passion building activities will be offered to help bring more vitality to your relationship. Be sure to look for it in the next issue of the Couples Newsletter (February 2005). In the meantime, start removing any barriers to intimacy you may have that may be sapping the resources your relationship has. Even if your relationship is vital and passionate now, any number of passion blocks or problems that exist in your life can compromise the future of your relationship. And have faith, remembering that there can be no growth without conflict!
© 2004 Brian L. Rzepczynski
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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that leads them to finding and building a lasting partnership with the right man.” To sign up for Gay Love Coach’s FREE newsletter, full of dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to view current coaching groups, shows and teleclasses, visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.
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