“Girls like bad boys.” This is a very popular phrase, and in some cases it is true. Bad boys aren’t boring, they aren’t nerdy, they aren’t shy, and they have an I don’t care attitude. They are sometimes mysterious, with an aura of charm and relaxed body language that is attractive to the opposite sex. Oddly enough, abusers are almost never bad guys: they want you to like them, so they share their feelings with you because they want you to engage with their emotions. If you are involved with their feelings, then you will try to figure them out, try to learn what motivates them.
If your boyfriend slaps you, punches you, chokes you, shakes you, hits you, pushes you, or causes you physical pain in any way, the answer to the question is easy: yes, he is a batterer. There is no need to read more.
Unfortunately, abusive men don’t show their hands early on. Not your ‘physical’ hands. But there are ways to discern if the tendency to abuse is hiding beneath your exterior. The following are three indications that your boyfriend may be an abuser hiding in lover’s clothing:
1. He is self-centered, narcissistic and selfish. All of these terms are identical, but I will endeavor to elaborate on their meanings. Egocentrism is self-explanatory: the self is the center of attention. Narcissistic means having an excessive or erotic interest in oneself. (Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration.) Selfish means excessively conceited or self-absorbed. Now, think about your boyfriend and the last conversations you had with him. Were they mainly about him? Did you get the feeling that he wasn’t listening to you or your opinions because he continually reminded you of the topic and how you thought? In her book “Why Does He Do That?”, Lindy Bancroft states: “Egocentrism is a personality trait that is highly resistant to change, as it has deep roots in deep entitlement (in abusers) or emotional injury. severe early symptoms (in abusers), non-abusers), or both (in narcissistic abusers).”
2. Seems to be serious about the relationship right away. Most of the time you find that men avoid commitments. They don’t want to settle down, or haven’t found the right one yet. When the subject of marriage or stability comes up, they want to change the subject, avoid the subject altogether. If your boyfriend is already talking about the future, wanting to spend the rest of his life with you, it could be because he wants to ‘own you’. How many battered women have said that their abusers told them “If I can’t have you, no one will.” If he tries to slow down and he objects, this may be a sign that danger is coming.
3. His anger scares you. Anger is a normal emotion. We all get angry at times. But when someone’s anger is intimidating, something is wrong. Examples of intimidating anger are moving closer to the object of your anger, pointing a finger in the face, pushing, blocking movement, or restraining yourself. The excuse often given by someone exhibiting the above behavior is “I just want you to listen to me!” If your boyfriend kicks down doors or punches holes in the wall; if he throws things, sometimes hitting you, sometimes not; he speeds up or tries to wreck a vehicle when he’s angry; he makes you cringe or flinch when he’s angry; or makes veiled threats like “You wouldn’t like it when I’m angry; these are danger signals.
Abusive men don’t want to let the cat out of the bag too soon. They want to spend time with you, get you involved, make you believe that no one loves you like they do; in short, they want to possess you. Are you a possession? If not, pay attention to the signs it gives you. All the ways an abuser behaves lead to the one thing he wants more than anything: control. He takes control of your own life and resists abuse. Once the abuse occurs, it is only the beginning. Once abusers are in control, they usually refuse to give it up. In other words, if he ever hits you, he’ll hit you again.
