When we are in a conflict, we tend to think that the best way to resolve it is to hold our point of view as strongly as possible. We’ve been taught that one of us is going to win and the other is going to lose, and we don’t want to be the losers. There is often a feeling that losing means ruin, so we fight desperately to hold our ground. Strangely, the reality is that this strategy often doesn’t work, especially if you’re trying to be part of a long-term relationship, be it romantic, business organization, parent-child, friend-to-friend, whatever.
What if there was a way that had a higher percentage of Really resolve problems and conflicts? There are! I learned it a long time ago. It comes from Process Work, developed by Arnold Mindell, Ph.D., a type of therapy I specialized in for a long time.
The “three-legged stool” of conflict resolution
Think of a conflict as having three basic positions: my position, your position, and the position of the “objective observer.”
In a relationship conflict of any kind, your first job is to notice what position you’re starting in. Is he really defending his own position, “My Position”, or is he unknowingly defending the other person’s position, “His Position” in the figure? How can you know? Well, let’s say the conflict is between you and your partner over whether to buy a new car or a used one. Your partner wants a new car and you think you should save money and buy a used car. His argument is that you need to save money for the future and for other things, and if you buy a used car, that money will still be there. In that case, you are already in “My position”. But if you say, “I know you think buying a new car is better because it will last longer,” you’re in “Your Position,” that is, for the moment, you’re taking your partner’s point of view. .What position are you in now?
Defend the position you are in
Whatever position you find yourself in, do it as much as you can. In the example above, “My position” could be: “It is important to me that we are prudent about what we spend and that we have a long-term vision. Think about our priorities, think about what is most important and what It’s less important.”
If you find yourself in your partner’s position, “Your Position” above, you can act out that position: “I know you want to buy a car that you know doesn’t have hidden problems that could end up costing a lot to fix.” .”
Help the other person get on your side
If you are in “My position” and have defended it, then it is important to help the other person to defend their position, expressing it as fully as possible. You can start by asking the other person to tell you what they are thinking or feeling. If they get stuck or are afraid of being knocked down, you can start by taking their position, as above.
Maybe your partner’s “My Position” would be: “I AM thinking about the future and priorities! If we buy a new car, it will last longer and we won’t have to spend money on another car or repairs. How about we look for new cars, see how much they cost? And we can also think about what things we need to spend money on and make a budget.” Both you and your partner can express this position.
Anticipating each other’s concerns helps with conflict in relationships
Your partner can help you position yourself by also taking your position and anticipating what your concerns might be: “I know you’re worried that I’m not thinking about our future financial situation. That’s why I reviewed our IRA and income for the next 10 years.” and I have calculated what we have left over after regular monthly expenses.
Switching positions helps with conflict resolution
With these three positions conflict resolution model (We’ll get to the third position below), each of you alternates between “My Position” and “Your Position,” continuing to express each position as fully as possible. You literally step in and talk as if you are your partner, and your partner steps in and talk as if they are you. Each of you keep alternating between your own position and the other person’s position.
More and more information emerges, until the situation is profoundly resolved. It is important, when taking a position, especially the other person’s position, to actually stand in the position and speak ONLY from that position. It can be tempting to sarcastically be in the other person’s position or pretend to be when it actually comes from “My position.” If you are speaking from the other person’s position, really mean it and, for the moment, speak as if you really is it so the other person, or come from a place where you really relate to their position. You can do this by remembering when you have been in her position at some point in your life, or by imagining being in her.
objective observer
The “Target Observer” position can also be very useful, for example when you’re stuck and don’t know how to move forward. conflict resolution. Each one can take a step out of himself and, in his imagination, “see” himself. Look at what you see, intervene and be that. You may notice that the “you” in front of you feels hurt and small. Instead of trying to counter that and be strong, he comes back to yourself and Really shows how small and hurt you are, perhaps allowing yourself to cry or curl up into a ball, etc. In fact, showing what’s going on can help, because most of the time we don’t see or hear other people’s messages if they’re too subtle. When we make ourselves more visible, the other person can react to what is really happening instead of what they imagine is happening. This often leads us towards resolution.
Using the model for internal conflicts
This model works with internal conflicts as well as moments of conflict in relationships when you are torn about something. First, find out what the two polarized positions are. See which one you’re on right this second. Take that position hard and deep. Then literally come out of that position by moving your body back to the first position. Feel the other position and speak from it with force and depth. Keep going back and forth, trying to hear each position. If you get stuck or just need an overview, jump into the objective observer position and watch what happens with each of the other positions. So step in and, without judging, do what you saw. This tends to help create solutions.
