Many years ago, when my children were young, I suffered from a strange disease that tormented me and tormented my family. I suffered from PMS: The Perfect Male Syndrome. There is a similar sister sickly known as PFS: The Perfect Female Syndrome. I will talk specifically about PMS because that’s what I suffer from, but what I have to say applies to both.
What are the causes of the perfect man syndrome?
Have you ever said to yourself, “I’ll be happy when …” followed by a long list of conditions? Sometimes we set ourselves up for failure and unhappiness by setting such a high standard for ourselves that it is impossible to achieve.
Some of us have read in the Bible “Be ye therefore perfect” and we have taken it very literally, forgetting that there has only ever been one perfect man to walk on this earth, and it was not you!
What can we do to overcome the perfect man syndrome?
1. Lower your unrealistic standards for yourself
Learn to lower your standards. That may sound contrary to what is generally taught, but I think it can be very liberating to take a break from time to time. I’m not talking about lowering your personal convictions or your personal moral standards, just your unrealistic expectations of yourself.
“If a thing is hardly worth doing, hardly do it” –Richard M. Eyre
“We are not called to succeed in everything, but to be faithful in everything” – Mother Teresa
2. Understand that life was meant to be challenging (face it!)
You must accept the idea that life was meant to be a challenge. There is great purpose in our struggles in life. We grow and learn more as a person during our times of struggle than during our quiet times. Ask any couple who have been married for a significant amount of time what their best memories are. They will invariably mention the early days of their marriage when they had to skimp, save and fight. Yes, it was difficult, but the effort and working together brought them closer.
I love this quote from Jenkins Lloyd Jones:
“There seems to be a superstition among many thousands of our youth [men and women] that they shake hands and kiss in drive-ins that marriage is a cabin surrounded by perpetual hollyhocks where an ever-young and handsome husband comes home with an ever-young and dazzling wife. When hollyhocks wither and boredom and bills appear, divorce courts are packed. …
“Anyone who imagines that happiness is normal is going to waste a lot of time running screaming that they have been robbed.
“[The fact is] most putts don’t fall. Most of the beef is tough. Most children grow up to be people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual tolerance. Most jobs are more boring than others. …
“Life is like an old-fashioned train ride: delays, detours, smoke, dust, ash and jolts, interspersed only occasionally with beautiful views and exciting bursts of speed.
“The trick is to thank the Lord for allowing you to have the ride” (Jenkins Lloyd Jones, “Big Rock Candy Mountains,” Deseret News, June 12, 1973, A4).
3. Reduce and simplify your life
Sometimes we think that freedom and happiness come from having things. But all the definitions I’ve seen say that freedom is the absence of things. And owning things make us happy? We can all think of many examples of those who have a lot but are miserable people. So where does happiness come from?
When I was about 12 years old, my family lived in the country in a small town in Arizona. One day I decided to build a fort. I made big plans for my fort and dreamed of all the fun I was going to have with it. I started collecting wood from everywhere, like old barns and crumbling sheds. It had no nails, so I had to save all the old nails from the wood that I collected and straighten them with a hammer. My brother helped me and we built a wonderful fort with a door and a window. It even had a tin roof. While we were building the fort, we were so excited about all the fun and adventures we were going to have with it.
It was finally done and we went and sat in my box. This lasted oh, maybe an hour before we got bored. All the magic was gone once we finished building it. It seems that our happiness and enthusiasm do not come from owning the fort, but from its creation. Well I’m embarrassed to say what we ended up doing with it, but there was a 55 gallon drum of diesel fuel in the back of our property … you can figure out the rest.
4. Stop comparing yourself to others.
When you think of each day as we go about our business, how many times do we compare ourselves to others? I mean, really, how often do we do it? My guess would be much more than we think. Much of what we do, what we have and what we are, is motivated by the comparisons we make with others.
We compare our possessions, our children, our physical bodies, our cars, our careers, and so on. And isn’t it true that we tend to compare our weaknesses with the strengths of others? Why are we doing this? Well, it’s human nature to begin with. We can’t seem to be happy if someone else has a little more than us, looks a little better, drives a better car, makes more money, or any number of other things.
Just remember one thing: now no matter how much you have, you can always find someone who has more. No matter how good it looks, you can always find someone who looks better. No matter how high you climb the corporate ladder, you can always find someone higher. It’s a game you can never win! So stop playing it.
5. Be patient with yourself
If you feel inadequate, as if you are not up to scratch, you are in good company. Read the life stories of George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill, Mother Teresa, or Michael Jordan. Each of these great people and many others spent a good part of their lives feeling that they would never measure up.
Cynics will say: “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Well, the road to heaven is also paved with good intentions.
6. Stop worrying about what others think
You wouldn’t care so much about what others think of you if you knew that others rarely really think of you. That is a sobering thought.
Examine your motives for why you do what you do or have what you have. Is it simply to look good in the eyes of others? Are we good because we are good or because it seems good to be good?
7. Recognize the things you are doing well
Give yourself the credit where you deserve the credit. Make a list of all the things you’re doing right and pat yourself on the back. Look for the good in yourself instead of the bad.
8. Learn to say “no”
If we count all the balls that each of us juggle on a daily basis, it can be overwhelming. At the rate we’re going, is it any wonder when we “drop the ball” from time to time? Is the answer to learn to juggle more balls? Is it to get a better planner or PDA? Is it to take another time management class so we can do more? NO!
If everyone did everything they were told to do, they would do it twenty-four hours a day and still not do it. The next time someone tells you to do something, just say, “Sorry, I’m full of homework today.”
conclusion
As we struggle with the perfect man syndrome or the perfect woman syndrome, be encouraged to know that you don’t have to do it all or have it all to be happy and content. Follow the eight suggested tips to overcome this disease that affects many of us “common” people.
A line from the play The King and encourages us in our search. The King of Siam was dying in his bed. Anna’s son asks her the question: “Was it as good … as it could have been?” Anna responds thoughtfully, “I don’t think any man has been as good … as he could have been, but this one tried.”
Thanks.
