Narcissists tend to be self-centered, ostentatious in their generosity, and moody when they don’t get their way.
So if you were wondering if he might have been a narcissist, here are 5 signs to watch out for.
1. Superiority.
The narcissist believes that he is above other people. They don’t make friends easily at work, and if they do, they tend to refer to them simply as colleagues. If he had friends at work, there’s a chance his ex would despise those friendships and dismiss them as “fake.”
Their superior tendencies will cause them to do the annoying superior “sniff”; you know what I mean right? When you say something, and they pause for effect, he sniffs disdainfully and then throws out all the reasons why you’re wrong. Precious. Smugness and conceit are the giveaways, and they will claim that no one could possibly know you as well as they do, and there seems to be a real belief that they are better than everyone else. A person with healthy self-esteem and a realistic self-image will recognize their strengths AND weaknesses.
2. Lack of empathy.
Did you lose a family member when you were with your toxic ex? And did they support you and take care of you? Or did they somehow change it to be about them, or did they just not acknowledge how much it hurt? The narcissist doesn’t really love anyone but himself.
They can show empathy intellectually; behave as they know they are expected to; but if they are particularly toxic, they may not even bother with it. It’s great to be told “it’s time to stop crying” a week after your father’s death…
3. The injured party.
Was your toxic ex wandering around with a face like a beat up homeless man? I bet this happened because you disagreed with him/her or because you criticized something. Now, we like to keep arguments to a minimum, and kicking someone when he’s down is unfair; but I’m not talking about that; I mean the smallest, unintentional slight, or disagreement over something you could never predict (“But why don’t you like Seat Ibizas? That’s just stupid. Can you hear how stupid you’re being?” (True Story) )). If you upset the finely tuned balance of someone who loves himself more than he could pretend to love you, expect to pay for it.
4. Public displays of generosity.
“Look what I’ve made/bought for you.”
This is quite difficult to treat. When someone is making a big show of her generosity in public, it’s hard to see how other people can see it when you’re stuck in the middle of your toxic relationship. Now, after talking to friends and family, I now know that it was seen for what it was; a grand act, designed to make me seem, frankly, like an ungrateful bitch. But the narcissist doesn’t see it that way. It’s another rung on the scale of “look how good I am to you, you don’t deserve me” and a reason to blast Ben Folds Five’s “Song for the Dumped” at full volume. (Another true story, check it out on YouTube and enjoy the line: “Give me my money back, bitch.”)
5. Gas light.
Gaslighting is a power trip, weird and manipulative behavior where you can be told you’re stupid if you like something, because they want to get away with it; then there is the behavior in which they put you down so that you start to believe it; “You’re a garbage cook because you never had to go to college at 18 and learn to take care of yourself like I did…”
Believing this leads you to live a life where you are constantly put down; and when you try to defend yourself or decide that you can’t take it anymore, you end up crying and apologizing for hurting them; one way or another, the situation has been reversed and you are to blame. After all, how dare you face this treatment and ask for respect. You constantly question yourself and try to avoid being put down, and you make excuses to family and friends.
If you experienced these signs, it is very likely that you were living with a narcissist. We all have a bit of narcissism in us. It’s healthy, it keeps us feeling good when we do well, it gives us a balanced sense of self-esteem. The danger is in narcissistic behavior that leaves no room for anyone else.
